It finally happened.
I’ve thought frequently these last few months, that I hate him, that I love him, that I miss him, that I hate him again, that I did love him and tonight – finally — I said the words: I don’t love him.
I don’t even know who he is. I guess I never did. Such a chameleon, a changeling, being one person for me, a different one to her, different for his biker friends. I believed it would last me a lifetime, I know I was in it for life but he was not. I don’t even feel sorry for him any more.
Today is the 3rd anniversary of my daughter and her boyfriend’s relationship and the first thought I had is that my will-be-ex, who I was married to for 6 years, has never — in his whole life, never ever — been faithful to one woman for 3 years.
I saw Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona this weekend and one repeated thought in it is that once there is a marriage, once lovers become committed, once that knot is tied, the romance is gone. Love that becomes complete ceases to be romantic. It’s like watching those romances in a TV sitcom. Cheers was great while Diane and Sam flirted, while there was this tension, do they like each other or don’t they, will one confess it or not. When they actually got together the show lost enough interest that they had to break up. Ross and Rachel didn’t get together until the last episode.
This is how my will-be-ex functions. HIs life is the sitcom. Which lovely lady will he go with? Or maybe he’ll be involved with this woman now and when that starts feeling too settled, he’ll start preparing another one to be next. There is a book that describes him extremely well. It’s called something like Men Who Can’t Love. If I recall, he is in Chapter 7 — he is the type that can marry but will never let marriage change his life. He will have that secret life still, that cast of characters that his partner never becomes privy to. It also said that if the woman actually wanted to pursue a life with him, she should never let him know that he has her. I think that’s true. I’ve also thought recently that he approaches relationships like middle-schoolers. I’m going with her, but flirting with her friend, and maybe I’ll break up with her, or fear she’ll break up with me — no maturity when it comes to love.
So finally, I can move on. Finally I can say out loud that I do not love him. I don’t want to be his friend. I do not love him.
WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
