Still haven’t learned…

Dear Ex,

Last month I told you to take a hike.  I stopped responding to your chats, and then I stopped looking to see if you were on.  I got distance.  I was doing well at turning it off.  (Bob Dylan: I’ve never gotten used it, I just learned to turn it off).  And then that night about 4 weeks ago, the text message.  You sounded suicidal.  I would be rude to ignore.  And besides, I was worried.  Gee, all it was, you split with her. 

Then you started to chat some.  I responded.  Sigh….   Then my boy started having trouble.  We talked on the phone.  You told me I was an angel, you sent me a kissing emoticon.  Sigh.  How many times have I warned you not to be nice to me.   You let me in.  Added me to FB.  I debated accepting it.  I worried I would become obsessed with checking it.  But the girls are on it, shouldn’t I know what they did?  I don’t know.

And now it’s happened.  Out of the blue, the communication just stopped.  No doubt you’ve found a new girl, an interesting girl, one that is messed up and complicated, and would seem to need you more than me.  (Did you ever know how much I needed you??)  I’m boring.  Sane and stable people are always boring.  You call them when you need them, when you need to borrow that soundness, that stability.  But you don’t make them partners.

Why am I talking to you about you? I should be writing to lecture me about me.  I need to learn that you are like sugar to me.  I am addicted.  I know you are bad for me, and I always think, just a little can’t hurt me, maybe a little more.  But the truth is, I need to stop talking to you cold turkey.  I need an ‘induction’ phase for you until you are completely out of my system.   THen maybe I can you in, a little bit at a time.  Just a little bit.  

I don’t know what to do.  How do I cut you out and maintain my ties to my boy?  And crazy me, if I cut you out, that will mean nothing can ever happen.  But I have to know that nothing ever will happen  be between us again. 

Ok, I have to be done.  I have to move on. 

So from now on it’s all about me.  I will do things that are good for me.  Like getting up at 6:00 am every day and going to the gym.  Working harder around the house and working to maintain my friendships. 

Sigh, I do miss my other family though.  Arrggghhhh!!!!

Life imitating art

Remember the movie You’ve Got Mail?  Kathleen Kelly wants to find the words to zing Joe Fox and can’t.  And when she does, she says terrible things that might actually have hurt his feelings and she feels so guilty.

I was mean today.  My ex left almost 2 years ago and yet he hasn’t gone away.  When he’s fighting with his girlfriend he chats with me.  When they get tight again, he doesn’t speak to me for days.  Add to that the cheating, the lying, the way he didn’t treat the marriage seriously…. why does he still have the power to hurt me?  What is wrong with me, that I could still be happy because he is, be sad when he is?  I had gotten a lot of distance, he got tight with her and stopped talking to me and in that silence I moved forward and was happy NOT talking to him. 

Then one day last week, or maybe the week before, I had  a setback.  He had a daughter 13 years ago, she was born 6 months after his son, my boy.  When we started dating, he told me about her, that she might be his but he didn’t think so.  Then he met someone who knew her and was convinced she was his and he wanted to see her.  And I wanted to see her.  As we talked about her, and tried to reach out to her, I felt like I had another child.  (What kind of need-to-mother  is that??)  Before he left, he had still not been able to make an arrangement to see her.  But the new girlfriend, she was able to work with someone else to arrange it.  Yes, I was jealous that she could deliver that for him and I never could have been able to, didn’t know who or where to start, but she was in the same field as the girl’s mom.  He contacted me to tell me that a meeting had been set up and I was very excited for him, couldn’t wait to hear how the meeting went. 

When the meeting day came and went without me hearing anything, I thought about emailing, chatting, calling, reaching out to ask, but then I thought no, I can’t keep scratching this itch.  So I didn’t.   A few days later, he did start a conversation with me and told me that not only had the new girlfriend been able to set up the meeting, she had been there.  That did me in.  Not only did she have my husband and my boy, she now had the child that I thought of as mine, another child that I wanted to love and open my home and family to.  I’m sitting in my office and I start to cry and after that, I decided I simply cannot talk to him anymore.  I have to ignore any future conversation attempts from him.  And for a good long while that was possible.

He tried talking to me in the early hours of Sunday.  From the tone of the chat, I knew all he wanted was some cybersex talk, nothing more.  So when he started chatting again today, I tried to be just polite and nothing else.  But — and here’s the movie moment — then I lost it.  I threw up my anger all over the screen.

17:43] me: I’m sitting here wondering why I am reluctant to tell you what I’m thinking. Go away. Run to your girlfriend. You can only hurt me. I’m just a person who is available to talk at the moment and you don’t give a sh** about me or my feeling, you will just use me up. You are barely human, you’re so indecent, lying, cheating, don’t care about anyone but yourself.
[17:43] me: I love my boy and I wnat to be in his life but I have to get out of yours or I just stay stuck in wishing this fairy tale had been true. See, you really don’t want to talk to me. Go away. Run to Natalie or the other woman you’re cheating on her with because I am sure there is at least one or two you have on the line somewhere. Go away. You are not a good person.

In some ways I am proud of myself.  I really hesitated to say it, I hesitated to do anything that would finally close that door.  But I did and I feel a certain amount of freedom.  I also feel a certain amount of shame.  He may have deserved it but it’s still mean, it isn’t me.  I am debating emailing an apology. I have always done that if I said anything to hurt his feelings.  But I can’t.  I must stop the conversation.  I must get out of his life and I MUST get him out of mine.  

Haven’t I been saying this for the last 2 years?? 

I had hoped to begin using the blog for a more common theme, weight loss.  I mean, my life is mostly work, bridge, sleep, eat.  I have time to focus on taking better care of my health.  I am going to the gym.  I should record what I eat and how well I do in the gym.  Even if no one reads it, isn’t it good for you to write it all down? 

I am angry that he is this selfish person and won’t get help to figure out why he has to cheat, he won’t get to the root of it.  Why don’t I get to the root of why he has this hold on me?  Why do I have this weakness where he is concerned?  Do I know other people who would feel this way?  Most people I know would easily turn their back on someone who treated them this way.  Would it have been different if we hadn’t gotten married?  Would I have been able to let him go more easily? 

For now, the blog is my best therapy.  For now, staying away from him is the best therapy.  For now, being rude might be the best therapy if it means he will stop reaching out to me.

 

Finally!

It’s June.  One and one half years since I began this blog.  And finally.  FINALLY!  I am free.

Notice, I didn’t say, I think I’m free.  I didn’t equivocate in any way.  I am free.

The last few months have been interesting.  He broke up with the other woman. He called me a lot.  He chatted me a lot.  He included me in his life a lot.  He started a new job, training as a trucker.  And texted me from the road, etc.

Then shortly before I went on a business meeting/vacation, it stopped.  And I knew he was either back with her or had chosen someone new.  And you know what?  I didn’t care.

The business meeting included a vacation and that vacation was rarely interrupted by contact from him.  Cool.  When I got back I was chatting with a friend of his.  Is he back with her, I asked.  Yeah, came the answer.

Yesterday I had reason to talk with an ER nurse.  He had worked in the hospital, and in the ER especially, for 18 years.  She asked me how many kids I had.  I told her, I have two daughters and one stepson.  Then I said I had been married to my-ex, used his name and of course she knew him.  I said we were divorced and he was dating her.  She said, oh, are they still dating?  Yeah, I said.  Well, she said, you know that SHE was married.  Hmmm.  I didn’t.  So she was telling me that he started seeing her when she was married.  I have no doubt now — no matter how hard he wanted me to believe otherwise — that he pursued her while he was married to me.  This nurse asked how long we’d been divorced and I told her it had been since December, that we were separated for a year.  I have every reason to believe she was calculating for herself, had he been dating her while he and I were still married?  She said she was sorry, said that it’s too bad I hadn’t talked to her sooner, although, she noted, SOME people can change.  She clearly knew his history of cheating and fooling around with women.  Not sure how humiliated I was compared to just being relieved at getting a dose of much-needed truth from a stranger.

That he is back with her is evidence of his total lying.  I only live for my son now, says he.  Well, his son did NOT like being with her and her kids.  LIE.  I don’t want a girlfriend now at all.  LIE.  I don’t know if he ever tells the truth.

So.  That chapter in my life is closed.  No longer do I feel like I can save him.  No longer do I feel like the loving way he was with me, to my face, could ever make up for the lies he lived behind my back.  No longer do I feel like he saved me.  No more.  I don’t want to see him.  I don’t want to talk to him.  I don’t want to chat with him.  Zilch. 

I’ve been reading, Eat Pray Love.  Great book.  The author is trying to get over someone.  Another character has about a page of excelent advice for her, that I will take to heart and not repeat her.  One quip is that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  I haven’t done that.  I don’t even have anyone on the radar.  And that’s probably good.

I had a great vacation with my kids.  I took my daughers and two of their friends and we had 2 weeks in Hawaii.  It was wonderful.  Did I feel alone?  Well, everywhere we went, I was the only person not coupled/partnered, etc.  I realized that I couldn’t have done the vacation without them.  BUT — I have a  lot to offer the right person and I will find the right person, a new right person, I will not be alone forever because I have a lot to offer and because I love being partnered.  I may be more suspicious next time, I may look harder for truth, I may have a higher standard, but that’s ok.  I already expect more from myself as well, lessons learned.  My relationship with my ex didn’t end only because of him — mostly, but not only.  I’ll take those lessons with me.

Maybe this blog is closed.  Maybe I can finally think about writing about other things.  But if this chapter is closed, there is very little in my life that would need to be anonymous, as this has been anonymous.   At least I hope I’ll be able to live my life in the open from now on.

Thank goodness for blogging.  Thank goodness for the anonymity.  What a stress relief.  It’s nearly 1:00 am and I got this off my chest.  Sleep, here I come.

Runners, Searchers, and Hopeless Romantics

I’ve been thinking of a few themes and tonight this one is foremost.  I don’t know how this will come out….

So my ex-husband is a runner.  No, he doesn’t exercise.  He gets involved with a woman, falls in love, (he loves being in love!), believes he can commit, and when things get the slightest bit boring or rough, he runs — usually  to greener pastures, a new filly, an exciting new love.  He is 43, has been married twice, never monogamous, and inbetween the wives, has a series of steady relationships.  (this would be ok for a man with no kids but he is a dad — a little stability for my boy please?)

My best friend is more the searcher.  He is 50 and has never been married; rather he has been  in a series of mostly monogomous relationships, hoping to find Ms. Perfect.  He can be involved for a year or two but inevitably, he has to move on, still searching for the perfect woman.  

And then there’s me.  A hopeful (hopeless? ) romantic.  I have been committed to both of these men in my own way, as long as I have known them.  In the case of the runner, that would be 8 years.  I have mourned the most recent run he made, away from me to someone new, and I have been as good as gold to him.  My love was unconditional, our marriage had problems and I believed we could survive them all, I was happy, I was ready to give my all.  But it takes two to make it work, and he had to run on.

I have been a committed friend to the searcher for 35 years.  Here’s where we could change the title, can men and women really be friends?   We met in high school.  I am a year older, so I went to college first, and he joined me at the same school.   We shared the same major.  I went to grad school and he followed me.  All this time, he had  girlfriends, I had boyfriends, but we would at times hang out with each other, go to a movie, share a ride back to our hometowns, etc.  At least twice during the college and grad school years, we talked about dating but it never seem to take.  He is a very social animal and I am the opposite.  For most of the 11 years of my first marriage, I didn’t see him.  There were a couple of visits, but overall, not much contact.  Then came my divorce and he took a temporary job in my town.  We started doing dinners and visits.  The girls liked him, he’s great fun.  I moved back to the town he’d been living in and when the temp job was up, so did he.  During the years before I met my ex-, we spent a lot of time hanging out together but there was never any hint at dating.

At the same time, he pays me a lot of attention.  For long periods of time, he would call me every night and we’d talk, an hour or two.  My girls, my parents, everyone who knew of our relationship felt that we should date.  I don’t know if it ever crossed his mind, but I do know that he did not attend my wedding, he felt that my ex- was not good enough for me, he was surprised when he learned that the ex- and I were serious about each other.

Here I go, wondering what he thinks of me instead of what I think of him.  Ok, switch.  I enjoy his company and respect him immensely.  He is good looking, intelligent, he makes me laugh.  He can also be high maintenance, critical, and self-aggrandizing.  He can also be extremely unselfish, insightful, and caring of another’s feelings.  He is masculine, a guy’s guy.  He has a bevy of women who would l00000vvveee to date him.  But am I one of them?  He doesn’t say ‘I love you’ unless he means it.  He hasn’t gotten married because he hasn’t found a person or situation in which he knows he won’t cheat.  That’s a lot to respect.  He is family-oriented, responsible.  In these ways, he is the opposite of my ex.  All of these qualities are extremely attractive.  Could I feel that so-important zing?  Absolutely.  If I could get over the feeling that he was evaluating me and finding me not quite good enough. 

The woman he wants is blonde, petite, angular.  I am brunette, not-petite, and round in all features.  But aren’t these criteria superficial?

I have often thought that he would be my 3rd husband.  Not seriously, but in a “wouldn’t it be interesting if…”, sort of way.  As we got older, he would not look for a partner based on such superficial criteria, I think.  And at the wedding, we’d play Vanessa Williams’s song, “Best for Last” :  “How could you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me? Sometimes the very thing you’re looking for is the one thing you can’t see”.  I’ve often felt that way about him. 

But he has ooodles of friends that he has kept up with.  I am no different from them.

He wants kids.  I’m ready to be a grand mom, my child-bearing days are over.

Does he think of me that way?   I don’t really think so.  

I think I’m ready for SOMEONE to think of me that way! 

I think it would be risky to date him — I don’t ever want to lose him as my best friend. 

I am a hopeless romantic.  I don’t give up on people, not usually.  I’m not sure if that just makes me lazy, or hopeless, or even committed — in a certifiable way!  LOL

At least thinking about a possible relationship with him helps me think about someone besides my ex-, something besides my hurt, that I still feel.

Srange dream last night: 

I dreamed that I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was quite matter-of-fact about it.  I was getting my things in order, making sure my kids were taken care of, etc.  I spoke with my ex, but we didn’t talk about my diagnosis, we talked about the work he is doing to change his life and how that was going.  I believe he that in reality is working to make positive changes, for my boy, for himself, and probably for her.  She will benefit from it.  In the dream, his youngest nephew came up to me and said that my ex- told him to tell me not to worry, everything would be ok, that we would be together in the end.  I didn’t know what to say but in the dream, after the boy walked away from me, I yelled out to tell him to relate to the ex- that he needed to hurry.  After all, I was dying of lung cancer.

How do I interpret the dream?  I hope it means I’m leaving him behind.  That I wish the ex- well, but I am not expecting that he and I will have a relationship again.  I am moving on.

And it will be good.

And the saga continues….

Time to catch up.

Daddy died.  We spent a week in his hospice room, he was not in pain, he was not responsive.  We knew what the outcome would be.  I should want to write at length about how difficult that was, not just because he was dying but because we were in such close quarters, the tensions, the sharing, there was sooo much.  But it’s almost too much.

My tears tonight are once again because of my lost love.  Pitiful I am not done with it.  I should be.  I want to be.   I need to be.

So — when it came time to write the obit, I included my stepson in the list of my children.  It looked difficult to read, it was awkward,  which sounds crazy now, but it was, and my sister couldn’t understand why I would include him, we have no custody arrangement, he already has two parents, I was just a step parent for a few years, so nevermind he is my boy, my child to me, it didn’t make sense to her.  And not to my mother who harbors hard feelings toward the man who hurt and took advantage of  her little girl.  (I’m more than 50 years old, remember.)  So — in the end — the obit went out without my step son’s name in it.

My ex was furious.  He was furious my boy wasn’t mentioned, he was angry to see my first ex-husband walk in with the family, sitting with the family.  Now, my boy did sit with me at the memorial service, in the front row, with the rest of the family.

I can’t help but wonder why the ex got so upset.  Upset enough to bring it up to me twice.  He created this situation.  I went 6 months without seeing my boy.   My parents had not seen him or been in contact with him in over a year. Was it really for my boy that he was upset?  Or did he feel he should have had a different role?  Did he think he should have sat with us?  Been there to comfort me and the girls?

His sister’s youngest son was the first one to call me Aunt when we got married.  I love that boy!  He will always have a soft spot in my heart for that reason.  But now he is linked to my ex’s new girlfriend in MySpace.  So is his mom.  My former sisters-in-law have not said a single word to me since the separation — nothing.  I loved them but I guess they didn’t like me. 

This is just so much betrayal to me, and I should be able to look away and never look back, never look into it even!  My ex said he had a sour taste in his mouth when my boy’s name was left out of my daddy’s obit.  Maybe now he understands why I feel physically sick when I see the new girl — hell, I’ll use her name — NATALIE — taking my place with my inlaws, let alone with him and with my boy!  That is HELL. 

I had a dream last night.  I dreamed that Natalie and I were working side by side in the kitchen.  I was doing my usual messy work, making a mess as I went along.  She was meticulous.  She was frustrated with me.  I was trying to do as well as her.  Then he came home to wherever we were.  He changed out of his pants and walked in a t-shirt and underwear, very casual and she rushed to him, they started making out on the couch and I wanted to leave.  Is that not a perfect dream for the situation??

I HAVE TO LEAVE THIS BEHIND.  IT IS OVER AND HE HAS MOVED ON.  He never chats me anymore.  He is changing his life and she will be the beneficiary of the good changes he is making and I am so so so so sad that it won’t be me.

And I guess I will be until I find a new love interest, someone to take my mind off of the loss.  I can’t help but think that I must be pitiful to still be stuck in this place.  On the other hand, it isn’t like I walk around crying, I’m not depressed, I have new friends, new activities, all of which should be a great innoculation against pining for him — but it isn’t.

I keep thinking that I should remember that daddy — in the end — didn’t want my ex to be in my life.  Again, he wasn’t good to his little girl, daddy wanted more for me, why can’t I want more for myself?

We’ve been separated 16 months, divorced for a couple of months. I’m sure she pushed that agenda.  Around the time that he told me the divorce was final, he said he wished…  he didn’t finish it, but the implication was that he wished it wasn’t over, that he wished things were different.   But — he never said it. He is with her.  I have to let it go.

So I guess I only write in those moments of weakness, those times when the pain of missing him floods over me.  It’s great having this as a release, even if it is totally boring navel-gazing to the reader. 

No White Knight

I always thought of my ex — yes, he is my ex now, the divorce is done — as a white knight for me.  Except for all the stuff going on behind my back, he was my strongest supporter, he gave me his strength, and made so much of my life possible. 

My daddy is in the hospital.  No, he is in hospice.  He had a stroke the day after Christmas and since then he has not really spoken, he has not had any significant nourishment.  It’s a matter of days, how many I do not know.   I need my white knight now and I miss him acutely.  I feel the loss of my marriage so strongly tonight! 

Early in the hospitalization, as I was staying the night with my daddy, my ex would be online and I told him, I felt like he was my lifeline.  We chatted a lot, he was having difficulties with her and he needed me, my time, my advice, and I needed him.  I am too accustomed to the intimacy we once shared.  I would share my life with him by telling him everything.  I want to tell him everything now, but I can’t.  I have to let him go.  As New Year’s came and I was again in the hospital all night, he wasn’t online because of course he was with her.  He wasn’t online again until the holiday and the weekend were over and then he looked for me, emailed me, be online.  Why?  I have to let him go. 

I don’t know if I am really crying tonight over the loss of the marriage or if it is just a thing to cry about instead of crying for daddy.  We’ve all cried for daddy already.  He has been bedridden with Parkinson’s for about 7 years.  My mother has cared for him at home all this time.  He had DNR orders and advanced directives.  We know he didn’t want to be kept alive by artificial means.  Still, I wonder.  If he had been given more nutrition early after the stroke, would he have been able to recover more?  Would it really have dragged his death out if we had boosted him?  He was in the hospital for over a week because in addition to the stroke he had a UTI and he was treated for it.  In between all of the sleeping, there were brief periods of recognition, even some — although not much — eating.  A little ice cream, a shake.

When his course of antibiotics were done, they released him from palliative care to the hospice facility.  When mamma told him he was going there, he cried.  How many of us can watch our daddy cry without it tearing us up?  I’m not sure if he knew — understood — what that meant or if he thought that meant they wouldn’t be together or if he was just confused by the dehydration that was already setting in.  She rode in the ambulance with him on the way to hospice and he cried more.  She told him she’d love to take him home but he would have to eat some.  In that way she got him to drink  a nutrition shake — 9 days after the stroke.  But another 24 hours have passed and he has eaten nothing, only slept.  I don’t know if it will be 3 days or 13 days.  Mamma says the doctors think it will be 2 weeks because his heart is so strong.  I’ll be surprised if he survives the week.  We are all so grateful that he is not in pain.  He sleeps peacefully.

I write that so dispassionately.  I’ve been expecting it.  I’ve been preparing myself for it.  I have not cried except of course when he did.  I cry watching them together, my parents, because there is so much love still there.  Even though she has changed his diapers, and changed changed sheets several times a day for the past 7 years, my mother will miss him terribly because he was her companion, her sweetheart for so long.  Well — they weren’t married as long as many are, it was her second marriage, but still, they have been married 44 years. 

Why do I still focus on their success juxtaposed against my own failed second marriage??  Why can I not get past that??  Is it because I didn’t see it coming?  I wasn’t prepared for it?  Because I still talk to him?  Because he still talks to me?  Because I haven’t replaced him yet?  Can I not go for some length of time with no boyfriend or sweetheart in my head, does there always have to be someone there??  ARRRGGGHHHH    Grow up!

I have always ended these posts on an upbeat note.  I will conquer the sense of loss.  I will focus on the positive in my life, on my children.  I will create happiness for others and not pursue it for myself.  I don’t feel any positive tonight.  My daddy’s dying, my ex that I loved so dearly is gone from my life and I just feel alone.  I know I will feel better later, but tonight I just feel alone.  

I so miss my white knight!

Why is this so hard?

Or more to the point, why do I make it so hard?

Sigh…..   Healing is so close.  Slamming the door shut on my years with my will-be-ex is so close.  But I slip.

We haven’t hooked up in person, but the chat sex has been great.   Free and dirty and fun.  I have talked when he wanted to talk, I have participated in this little game, thinking that I could use him the way he uses me and that I would be alright with that, but I’m not. 

I want more than that.  I want the whole package.

There was always a tremendous amount of passion between us, even to the day he left. 

I always thought we had the total package.  There is no one I’d rather travel with than him, we were great companions.  I loved shopping with him.  And I hate to shop.  We loved movies and talked and talked and we had enough interests that were the same but not enough to be carbon copies of each other.  I miss his company so much!

But that was the past.  Right now, I know he ‘luvs’ her, that hasn’t changed.  I imagine he is with her until he comes online and chats with me.  He never chats with me on the weekends.  The only smart thing I’ve done so far is to not let him come over. 

It really is over though, there is no going back.  He cannot be trusted, witness what he’s doing behind her back now.  My kids don’t respect him, don’t want him back, my family hope he’s gone for good.  And yet I have always wished that somehow our story is not over.  But IT IS. 

So I have got to say out of chat.  I have got to stay offline.  I should not respond when he says hey. 

On House the other night, Wilson said to House something to the effect that House just didn’t believe in unconditional love.  (See previous post on unconditional love.) House’s retort?  There is no such thing as unconditional love, it’s just extreme neediness.  Or something like that.  I do believe in unconditional love.  But maybe I’ve been fooling myself.  Is it just neediness?  I don’t feel needy.  I’ve said I want him to love me but in reality what I want is for him to be worthy of my love.  I want to believe that he is capable of becoming the man I thought he was.  I want to believe that he wants to be the person he pretends to be.  I want to believe …   but I can’t.

So I need to get him out of my blood stream.  I need to focus on me again and my new life.  I was so close!  And then it slipped.  I hope I can finally finish this.

As I’ve said my life is good.  There are men — notice I said men and not boys or even guys — real men out there that I have met and I could be interested in dating.  I need to spend more time pursuing that.

So it’s been 14 months since he left.  I’ve come a long way baby.  I still have more road to go.

And seven days later….

So last week I wrote about how I had casually hooked up with my ex, and I was ok. 

Seven days after we hook up, he is filing divorce papers.

And I am blue.  Or at least blue-ish. 

I don’t love him.  I don’t want him back.  But somewhere in the back of my mind I just didn’t think it was completely over.  I thought he thought better of me somehow? 

Of course, I would have been better off if I hadn’t talked to him at all.  I can tell myself all night and all morning that I will not talk to him, and as soon as he sends me that first chat, I speak.  The worse thing about learning that he was filing is how it happened.

He started chatting with me about his plans to see a counselor, that maybe at 43 he’ll finally ‘get it’.  I felt warm towards him, proud of him, utter words to bolster and support him.  Why can I never keep my mouth shut?  What on earth prompts me to tell this PRICK these good things??  SO after I bolster him, he says he has a question, he doesn’t really know how to bring it up.  Shoot, I say.  He says, “I’m working on filing…”.  My first thought was that he was filing for bankruptcy again.  On top of being a son-of-a-bitch, he bleeds money.  And then it hit me.  Filing divorce papers.  He had to ask me for the last 4 of my social.  Then he asks, do I want to be served or get certified mail?  WHAT A BASTARD.

I think the bottom line is that it is rejection all over again.  Is it worse because this bastard is leaving me?  When everyone tells me I’m too good for him and he’s really bad news, low-life, and he is leaving me?  Sigh…  I’ve never believed any one of us is better than another– you’re looking for compatibility.  Still, who can be compatible with a prick???   I don’t treat people that way ever.

So finally I called the counselor.  Well, not finally.  I went once and the counselor told me there was nothing wrong with me.  But there was, I called another one, and never followed up, but I am finally following up.  After all, who does this?  Who hates one second and wants to mother and heal and be nice the next second?  I need counseling.

My favorite pit friend — who HATES my will-be-ex — put an interesting spin on it.  Let’s just hope, he says, that this is him being noble.  That he knows you will be far better off when you can put this chapter behind you and get as far away from him as possible. 

I was thinking earlier, I need to start reacting to my will-be-ex not with, what would *I* say, but what would my favorite pit-friend say, how would he respond.  I trust his judgement completely. 

But I’m sure he knows, as I do, that this is not him being noble.   I am certain that she is requiring this of him before she’ll continue to see him.  I know I would in her shoes.

At any rate, the healing  continues.  I don’t have as far to go as I once did, I recovered pretty quickly from his announcement yesterday.  Onward and upward.  Time to change the subject.   Maybe after a couple of counseling sessions…..

Living between my ears

Last night I was talking to my favorite pit friend (see previous post on the Pits) and he noted that so many people live completely internally, are completely internally motivated, they live between their ears.

For the last 8 years, I have been primarily concerned with my will-be-ex: is he happy, is he restless, why does he do X, how does he feel about Y, oh my gosh, the drama that brings, the unhappiness, to me and to him.  It’s like a parent who has two kids.  One is good as gold, never gives them a worry and the other is always causing pain.  Who get’s mom’s attention?  The bad kid.  I’ve started to believe that the reason I stuck with him the will-be-ex for so long is that he was a puzzle I couldn’t figure out.  There are so many contradictions!  That’s hindsight speaking, I know.  On a day to day basis, I was happy, I love him, I loved being married. 

Two thoughts are converging tonight:

1 — you teach people how to treat you
2 — he never fought for us the way he fought for her; I don’t think he ever cried over losing us the way he cried for her   (of course even as he was asking me to lie to her, he would not tell me that he loved her, only that he cared for — what was that about??!!!  More lying to keep his options open?)

So here it is.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions are always obvious, and I don’t know how to play games.  I wish I could be less impulsive, I wish I could think more before I speak or act, but I don’t.  So it was easy for him to take me for granted and probably even to hate me for loving him.  The book Of Human Bondage, had that kind of relationship I think.  It’s easy, from the outside, to see when someone is being walked on and abused, not always easy when it’s you being abused.  (And again, no physical abuse, no emotional abuse, maybe I can’t even blame him.  It’s more like he was the drug I was addicted to.)  Back to the point:  Because he knew I would always be there for him, what did he ever have to fight for?   I did teach him how to treat me.  In what I thought was unconditional love, I taught him he could do just about anything and I would be there. 

How do I change this in future relationships?  I don’t know.  Dr. Phil says that you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so maybe recognizing it alone will help me be less of a doormat in the next relationship.

I really don’t want to talk to him anymore.  I don’t want to think about him anymore.  I don’t want to write about him anymore.  I want to put enough money aside to finish it.  The story of us that I hoped would never end is now done.

If I don’t write about him, I may have nothing to write about but that is a good thing.  Writing is therapeutic.  It will be nice to feel like I don’t need therapy anymore. 

As I told my favorite pit friend last night, I am happy with my life.  I have the three things required for happiness.  Meaningful work.  Someone to love (my kids, a partner/playmate will some) and something to look forward to (bridge, bowling, friends, opportunities that ever new day brings).

And I’m glad to know that my favorite pit friend will be there too.  I was thinking today, we’ve been friends through thick and thin for 34 years.  Other than a few close girlfriends and family, it’s obviously the longest relationship I’ve ever had.  There are times I think we should date and then I think I could lose this friendship that has sustained me through so much, as I hope it has sustained him.

Karma at the Keyboard?

Today was like something out of a tv soap opera.  Incredible. 

Let’s recap some first, starting with the reason I started the blog:

Last September my husband who I adored left me suddenly. 

He quickly took up with someone else, I’m sure she was in the picture well before he left, because that is his M.O. 

I loved him unconditionally — understand:  unconditionally.  I would have spent the rest of my life with him and been happy doing so.  I was happy. 

I started the blog to help me recover.  I was miserable for months, I knew I would feel better at some point, I thought the blog could speed the healing.  Writing is therapeutic.

Back in early May, he and she must have been ‘on a break’.  He and I flirted for a couple of weeks, hooked up a time or two.  Then he stopped talking to me again.  I asked if they were back together and he couldn’t answer me.  That helped me heal alot!  (Keeping his options open?  Why couldn’t he be honest and just tell me?)

I wrote a post about karma: how I couldn’t get away with anything and how it was apparent that karma would never get him.

But I think today it must have been karma at the keyboard and not me.  I would never — not in my wildest dreams of hurting him back, not in a million years would I ever have done this.

Remember that episode of Friends, where Monica changes the outgoing message on Richard’s answering machine to be a rambling statement of something stupid she did, must have been because it was time for her period or something?   This was embarrassing on that level.  And the result was not funny.

Late last week, my will-be-ex started chatting with me again, flirting with me, wanting to get together again.  I wanted to.  He is the only person I’ve been with in 8 years, I felt sane enough to do it without going crazy, I know I don’t want him back, I wanted to play.  We set a date a few days away.  But I was confused.  Where did she go?  What was going on?  I emailed him.  I told him to imagine that we did get together and then imagine telling her.  What was her reaction?  Was it the reaction he wanted to cause in someone he luvs? (from his myspace page).  See, even now I care enough to try to keep him from hurting himself.  Even now, I try to protect her?  At any rate, he kept going with it and as far as I was concerned, I would be with my husband, my conscience was clear.  We met, we had fun, I was sane, I still didn’t want him back but it was wonderful to kiss him and laugh with him again.  Later, I saw his myspace page still said he luvs her and that he was sad.  Hers said she was sad too.  I chatted with him: it’s none of my business but if you’re both sad, it’s sad.  Can you fix it?  Is my boy attached to her?  See, I want him to be happy and I hate to see him continue to self-destruct.

At the same time, I enjoy talking to him, I like him in so many ways and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He would stop talking to me as soon as she came back I thought. Maybe there was another explanation?   I started to send a question to one of his friends, saying essentially that I thought he loved her, that once whatever break they were on was done he would be back with her and stop talking to me.  I typed the question in the chat box.  No, I thought, that’s stupid, this is crazy, don’t do it.  Stupidly, in case I changed my mind, I highlighted the text, cut it and pasted it into a word file.

Then I decided to send my boy a chat, my daily hi I love you message.  At the same time, my daughter and I are talking about tickets to a concert we’re all going to.  I answered one of her questions but when I looked at it, I thought I had answered her in my boy’s chat window.  So I quickly did a CTL-X to pull it out, then a CTL-V to paste it in her window.  I just had too many things going on.  What did I do?  I pasted the question I had decided not to send, in the chat window to my boy and hit return without hardly even looking.

Panic.  No way to pull it back.  His status was set to away, I had time to do damage control.  At great shame to me, but I couldnt’ hurt my boy.  I called his dad.  Please I said, go close out any windows so he doesn’t see this terrible thing I did.  He soon chatted me, wanted to know what I said?  I pasted the question in and sent it to him.  It was at that point that I learned that my boy’s chat window was open at HER house.  While I HATE the thought that my boy spends that much time there (goes there after school?  what the heck?), I really never had any reason to think that she might be the  person who saw my wayward chat. 

Later, my will-be-ex tells me that she saw the message.  She has left him.   I want to cry, I feel so bad!  I mean, I have every reason to do something like that on purpose, but that is not who I am.  I don’t believe in revenge and I have learned that even if I think I want to see the person who hurt me suffer the same, I never do.  I can’t.  I believe more that an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.  I wanted to comfort him as a mother but I knew at that moment I was the person he hated the most. 

On the face of it, it isn’t that bad.  After all, it says I think he loves her.  It says when they patch it up he’ll stop talking to me.  I asked him what I could do.  He said talk to her?  I said sure, what lie do you want me to tell?  Because after all, it would have to be a lie, wouldn’t it?  And after all, why did he do it?  I knew he would do it to her too, I have said so many times in this blog, I even told him he would.  I warned him before we got together that it would hurt her. Of course I didn’t really know what their situation was and he didn’t tell me, I just assumed and could easily have been wrong.  Still, what world does he live in to think he can do whatever he pleases and it’s ok as long as no one finds out?  As long as the lie will be believed?

I have so many other thoughts related to this.  While I am appalled that it happened, I can’t help but wonder if it happened for a reason.  Is this karma?  Did he love her enough that he will feel some kind of hurt akin to what he put me through over the years?  I want him to know how hurt I was and yet I would not have wished it on him, you know?

And my gosh, can a woman my age really be writing all of this?  I’ve said in other posts that he treats his relationships like he’s in high school and that’s how I feel tonight, like someone got caught passing a note in class. 

I want him to want me back.  I want him to say he will work to repair everything, that he will get treatment for his sex addiction (yeah, I believe he is a sex addict), that he will get counseling to learn why he continues to do this. But I know that he would never want me (anyone?) that much and I don’t want to go back to high school. 

Nine months after starting the blog, I am enjoying my life.  I enjoy the possibilities that lie in front of me.  Yeah, I spend too much time with strangers at bridge and bowling meetups, trying to turn them into friends, but I enjoy those things.  There are a couple of men that interest me and the thought of the possibilities make me optimistic.   My kids, I’ll repeat, are the best in the world.  My friends are incredible.  My bills are paid and the drama is gone.  I’ve often wished that he and I could be playmates, could travel together, do things we want to do together and still have those things we do apart.  Like I said, in so many ways I like him as a person, I enjoy his company.  Mabye all of his ethical failures are related to the sex addiction?  I don’t know. 

Yet, after today I feel like I should avoid him at all costs.  Since he is only interested in me for one thing, what can I get from even a friendship?  So long as he helps me have a relationship with my boy, he and I don’t have to talk at all.

And what about the feeling of coming home, when I was with him?  This too shall pass.

Did my boy see it?  I still don’t know.  I hope not!   He’s been through enough.  He deserves some stability.

Was karma at the keyboard?  What do you think?